5 Poked into Prison
A Tennessee woman has been jailed for poking someone, unfortunately not the first charge of a new “Stop being such a waste of time” law. Shannon Jackson decided that the always-wrong “the internet isn’t real” attitude applied to restraining orders which say “Absolutely no communication of any kind.” She was prosecutably wrong.
It’s easy to see her mistake; a poke doesn’t communicate any useful information, so she thought it didn’t count. But it does communicate annoyance, as well as “I’m absolutely worthless, can’t think of anything to say other than I want to bother you, and in this case am clinically incapable of understanding legal instructions.” She was arrested and is now awaiting a court appearance which could land her up to a year in jail.
4 The Spam King
If you’ve ever been redirected to an uncloseable pop-under spam-sex-and-gambling site you’ve already met Sanford Wallace. So you’ll be pleased to know he might end up in jail – where unwanted intrusions into your personal space are far more pressing and Assblaster Jake doesn’t ask “Are you sure you want to quit?”. Facebook has won a judgment of almost quarter of a billion dollars against him and Online Turbo Merchant*, and since he knows how to abuse systems with codes – he’s already filed for bankruptcy – they’re also prosecuting him for contempt of court to put him behind bars.
*The name of his company, and the absolute best way to describe an internet masturbator we’ve ever heard.
The contempt charge dates back to a 2006 conviction where he was ordered to pay one point seven five million dollars but got out of it by – no shit – saying “I can’t pay that, honest.” Try that next time you get fined. They were instead ordered never to hack peoples’ computers again which, considering how that was already illegal the first time they did it, was like dropping a lion off at the playground and sternly saying “No repeat of last time!” in sign language.
3 Burglar Is: In Your House!
It’s important to log out when you’re using a shared computer, especially when the owner doesn’t know they’re sharing it. It’s even more important when that’s because you’ve broken into their house to steal three thousand dollars worth of diamond rings. In fact it moves past “important” and into “Write it on the back of your hand underneath the reminder to breathe.”
Pennsylvanian Jonathan Parker apparently didn’t have any marker left that night, or was busy sniffing them, leaving his account page open on a computer in the house he’d just burgled. This raises a number of important questions, like “How did somebody that dumb learn how to read?”
2 Gun Crime
Scumbag stupidity doesn’t just save police time, it even employs them: Police in England are advertising for a “Gang Enforcement Team Researcher” who’ll be paid thirty thousand dollars a year to send idiots online to jail. We’d do it for free, especially when it’s second-amendment-screwing samples like this:
Even better, he lives in a country without that action-packed amendment so this photo alone was enough to jail him. It proves he can’t even be trusted with a choice of pants, let alone a shotgun.
1 Escaped to Mexico, Facebooked to Jail
Maxi Sopo had, as well as an unfortunately tampon-style name, pulled off an actual classic criminal escape. After conning Seattle banks for hundreds of thousands of dollars he drove to Mexico before authorities could catch up with him, and there spent his ill-gotten gains on an apartment and a party lifestyle in Cancun’s nightclubs. How do we – and the Justice Department – know this? Because he added them on Facebook and told them.
Maxi added another Cancun clubber to his Facebook friends list, apparently under the impression that no-one connected with justice ever enjoys themselves in any way. When the official realized that he’d been status-messaged by an escaped felon he assisted in a spectacular sting operation leading to an explosive final showdown on a luxury yacht. No, wait, he just asked “Where do you live?” and Maxi told him. Police become involved shortly thereafter.